English#

English is a deprecated language. You should now be writing in English.Net (or more precisely, English#, pronounced English hashed). It has an interesting class structure. The master classes are grouped into "committees" which each result in a set of "action items", although none of these have a real effect. Instead of inheritance between classes, the bottom classes are "incentivised" to provide functionality to the higher classes. Variables are "moved forward".

Many built in functions have very strange names, but their uses is often determined by their location in the class hierarchy. At the top you have functions like synergise() and leverage() and deliver_impact(). This latter function is aliased as punch() lower hierarchy. Many lower functions and keywords are almost Perl-like in obscurity and abbreviation:  LOL(), ;), and :P.

Modern English# code can be quite difficult to read with many unnecessary F functions inserted in lines. Take, for instance,

FU U MF CNT

The outcome is to raise an object's "aggression" value.

Compare this to an example of higher class programming:

LEVERAGE $object.SYNERGIES ACROSS $object.ENTERPRISE

Which generally does absolutely nothing but can sometimes act as an alias for the $object.DESTROY() method.

Memory management is very poor and you will often see $object.VALUES() only being retained for short periods of time before undergoing a random change thanks to poor programming techniques.

Unfortunately, there are many variants of English# out there, including the Oxford, Australian and popular, but non-standard American version, though most compilers will do a good job of understanding most variants other than Scottish, Irish and Cockney.

Qantas pilots want a piece of the action

Qantas pilots have launched a campaign to encourage the company to hire the flight attendant sacked by Cathay Pacific over the recent sex scandal. Pilots Association president Mr Woodywad said that Australian pilots were missing out on the services experienced by their foreign based counterparts.

"Our flight attendants are too busy shagging celebrities like Ralph Fiennes to help alleviate the boredom experienced by our pilots on long-haul flights."

A spokesperson from Qantas suggested that the pilots might like to consider joining the recently announced Asian premium service carrier.

Tom Cruise to take a giant leap

After his casting as a tall and  muscle bound Jack Reacher in One Shot, Tom Cruise has announced that his next project will be acting in the title role of the upcoming biopic Andre the Giant.