Steve Jobs is Dead

Questions:

1. Have the faithful started work on his Sainthood app yet?
2. Will Apple create an Android Steve?
3. Will his coffin be black, white or brushed metal?

The Headlines

• Amanda Knox released from Italian jail - too old for Berlusconi.
• Apple releases new iPhone - gets confused between S and 5.
• Qantas management threatened - offered tickets on Tiger?
• Cadel Evans to skip Tour Downunder - swaps bicycle for a rope.
• Live coverage of Tax Summit - win for insomniac shift workers.

The swooping magpie myth

It's spring. The days are getting longer (though not necessarily warmer), the flowers are blooming and the magpies are swooping. But are they a danger?

Professor Ji Long, a Victorian researcher in Avian Science Studies doesn't believe that these black and white birds are a threat.

"You hear anecdotal reports of swooping magpies draw blood, yet there are few, if any, reports of this in the literature."

Professor Long advises victims of magpies to submit reports of their injuries to internationally reviewed journals.

"But it is important to supply a sufficient number of data points. You need at least ten to be statistically significant. If in doubt, you should try repeating the experience."

His advice for people afraid of attack is "Wear a blue and white striped scarf as it has been shown that this pattern frightens the birds. Or you could get a cat."

Not everyone agrees with Professor Long. Eddie from Collingwood in Melbourne, says he has personally witnessed over 20 cases of the magpies drawing blood this season. And he reckons it doesn't matter what colour you wear.

"They'll go for anything that doesn't look like them. It's black and white or nothing."

When asked about reports of sea eagles attacking up in Sydney Professor Long replied that he had no interest in the species but suggested that it could be due to stress. "Like the auk on land, some birds are just worriers."

Red, yellow, but definitely not True Blue

I am forced to conclude that the Bananas in Pyjamas, once a stalwart of children's television viewing, must now be considered UnAustralian. In the wake of Cyclone Yasi, the outrageous salary demands of the Bananas in Pyjamas have driven the ABC to replace the live actors with their computer generated equivalents. But while we have stuck by our true blue farmers by maintaining the ban on foreign imports of bananas, the Bananas in Pyjamas are now sourced out of Singapore. Another case of cheap foreign labour taking Australian jobs.

Peeling back the yellow skin of the Bananas reveals a darker secret, like the real fruit left in the fridge. Like the government funded network that commissioned the series, the Bananas in Pyjamas display a horrifyingly left wing bent.

Only one of the characters has an actual job. The rest, including the Bananas themselves, spend their days lazing on the beach or doing work for the dole jobs like picking up rubbish off the beach. The sole working character, a rat, is portrayed as a money hungry cheat. This is a show dedicated to turning our children into nation of dole bludgers.

Our yellow bananas are actually red.

It's the used salesmen event of the year!

Forget about all the manufacturing unemployed by the dollar, those from clothes shops and Harvey Norman killed by the Big Bad Internet. Forget the coal miners and truck drivers starving on the streets because of the Evil Carbon Tax. Forget even about the public servants sacked by the Liberals (Good Job Losses). Because now we have Real Job Losses to Fear. Car salesman.

The next time a squeegee person wants to wash your window, tip them extra for the window tinting, the rust and fabric protection and the paint chip insurance. You Know You Need It!

These aren't the droids you're looking for

Is the dark side really stronger? You would think that if anyone in this world had Jedi powers it would be George Lucas. Unfortunately, his skills at waving his hand in front of our eyes in order to convince us to forget the past appears to be failing. Maybe he should return to Australia to learn from a Sith Lord who has managed to persuade millions that he is less of a liar than the Prime Minister (though the latter does a good impression of Hayden Christensen's acting in the prequels).

English#

English is a deprecated language. You should now be writing in English.Net (or more precisely, English#, pronounced English hashed). It has an interesting class structure. The master classes are grouped into "committees" which each result in a set of "action items", although none of these have a real effect. Instead of inheritance between classes, the bottom classes are "incentivised" to provide functionality to the higher classes. Variables are "moved forward".

Many built in functions have very strange names, but their uses is often determined by their location in the class hierarchy. At the top you have functions like synergise() and leverage() and deliver_impact(). This latter function is aliased as punch() lower hierarchy. Many lower functions and keywords are almost Perl-like in obscurity and abbreviation:  LOL(), ;), and :P.

Modern English# code can be quite difficult to read with many unnecessary F functions inserted in lines. Take, for instance,

FU U MF CNT

The outcome is to raise an object's "aggression" value.

Compare this to an example of higher class programming:

LEVERAGE $object.SYNERGIES ACROSS $object.ENTERPRISE

Which generally does absolutely nothing but can sometimes act as an alias for the $object.DESTROY() method.

Memory management is very poor and you will often see $object.VALUES() only being retained for short periods of time before undergoing a random change thanks to poor programming techniques.

Unfortunately, there are many variants of English# out there, including the Oxford, Australian and popular, but non-standard American version, though most compilers will do a good job of understanding most variants other than Scottish, Irish and Cockney.

Qantas pilots want a piece of the action

Qantas pilots have launched a campaign to encourage the company to hire the flight attendant sacked by Cathay Pacific over the recent sex scandal. Pilots Association president Mr Woodywad said that Australian pilots were missing out on the services experienced by their foreign based counterparts.

"Our flight attendants are too busy shagging celebrities like Ralph Fiennes to help alleviate the boredom experienced by our pilots on long-haul flights."

A spokesperson from Qantas suggested that the pilots might like to consider joining the recently announced Asian premium service carrier.

Tom Cruise to take a giant leap

After his casting as a tall and  muscle bound Jack Reacher in One Shot, Tom Cruise has announced that his next project will be acting in the title role of the upcoming biopic Andre the Giant.